Spicy Feldman Discovers Peace in the Middle East
By Mack Rights
In this future transcript of the Spicy Feldman Investigates show, Spicy visits Utopia, NY, a little town that has created peace between the Muslims and the Jews. As with all Spicy Feldman transcripts, please remember that these are from the future and that the Frederick Douglass Foundation cannot be held responsible for what is said or how it is said. This transcript takes place in a post-Obama-infected America when liberals have no political reason to withhold their true feelings because America has become a Democrat-party-dominated borderless nation with the illegally legalized illegal aliens ensuring that Republicans can’t get elected.
This transcript has been determined to be too inappropriate and too impossibly fictional. There will never be peace between the Muslims and the Jews. It’s been removed.
Actually, what happened is Chaplain Ayesha called me in to chew me out for picking such a vile transcript. She said that there was just no Jesus message in the transcript. And I was like, dude, (because I often start speaking like a surfer when getting chewed out by my superiors). So I was like, dude, it’s the Muslims and the Jews. Jesus wasn’t invited to the peace conference. And dude, maybe that’s the moral of the story. There is no peace without Jesus. She was having none of it though.
I don’t know if you’ve ever seen Chaplain Ayesha when she gets angry. You wouldn’t like her when she gets angry. She’s like the Incredible Hulk, but worse- she stays black. At least the Hulk gives you a warning- “Hey, he’s turning green, we probably oughta get out of here quickly.” My boss lady Chaplain Ayesha doesn’t give any warning.
Now that Chaplain Ayesha’s back from her angry dark period, she actually wants to have the transcript up. Here it is, dude.
Spicy Feldman: This is Spicy Feldman of Neo-Pinko Radio, your government-funded radio for pot-smoking peaceniks who threaten violence against anyone who doesn’t believe in the existence of their ideal form of peace. My producer Brucie and I are here in a little town in the middle-east New York called Utopia. Today is get-out-the vote day, and the local Mosque and the local Jewish Temple are working together to get their peace candidate elected in the Democrat Primary to be held next week. His name is Mohamed al Epstein. Mohamed has agreed to join me for this interview. Hello Mohamed. Tell us about yourself. How is it that both the Muslims and the Jews are in favor of your ascension?
Mohamed al Epstein: Thank you Spicy. I am part Muslim, and I am part Jewish. It is only natural that I be the candidate of choice.
Spicy Feldman: How is it that you are a product of two wonderful and ancient cultures?
Mohamed al Epstein: I am the product of rape between my Muslim father and my Jewish mother.
Spicy Feldman: Are you mad at your mother for allowing herself to be raped.
Mohamed al Epstein: No, no. I love my mother. Were she not raped, I would not be able to offer myself as the candidate for Congress. She died while giving me birth.
Spicy Feldman: And you kept her name to honor her life?
Mohamed al Epstein: No. That’s the name the hospital gave me. I was then taken by my father and raised in the Islamic section of Utopia.
Spicy Feldman: What a story! Now we are joined by the local Imam Hamed Hussein. He runs the mosque that is taking part in today’s events. Hello Imam.
Imam: You Jewish?
Spicy Feldman: Yes sir.
Imam: It is like licking a pig’s butt to speak into the same microphone as a filthy Jew. Give me my own microphone.
Spicy Feldman: Oh, rabbi, I mean Imam, you tease me. I’m not one of those Zionist pigs who believe Israel should continue the occupation of Palestine. I agree with you more than the Israelis.
Imam: Yes, but you’re still a filthy Jew.
Spicy Feldman: That’s sweet of you to say. So tell me Imam, how is it that you and the Jewish temple can get together and work together to get this fusion candidate elected? Why doesn’t the rest of the world emulate this wonderful separate peace that you have here? And isn’t using a mosque and a temple for political purposes a violation of separation of church and state?
Imam: You really are a dumb Jew. He’s no fusion candidate. He’s Muslim. We raised him. He’s our candidate, and the Jews have no choice but to support him. We’d topple their temple and burn their houses if they didn’t. He is the bounty that we put into the belly of a Jewess and stole upon his arrival to this earth with Allah’s blessing and Mohamed’s guidance.
Mohamed al Epstein: Peace be upon him.
Imam: And separation of church and state is only to keep the Christian’s quiet. There’s no separation of mosque and state. The state is run by the mosque. Look at your own White House. It is run by a Muslim.
Spicy Feldman: President Obama is not a Muslim.
Imam: Of course he is. He was born and raised a Muslim. Were he no longer a Muslim, he’d be an apostate, and there’d be a fatwa on his head. No fatwa, he’s still a Muslim.
Spicy Feldman: Well it is true that President Obama did thank the Muslims for building the fabric of our society and strengthening the core of our democracy, but he says he’s a Christian or something like it.
Imam: Dumb Jew. Muslims aren’t obligated to tell the truth to you smelly infidels. Think of it like this. Imagine that he really were a Muslim, according to your definition. What would he be doing differently on the world stage if that were the case?- Nothing, right? I swear on the hairless butts of 72 virgin boys that he’s a Muslim.
Producer: I like the way you talk.
Imam: Get this sodomite away from me before I put him through a meat grinder and feed the goats with his disease-infested flesh and then force the Jews to eat the raw putrid meat of the goats that ate him.
Spicy Feldman: That’s a strong reaction Imam. You indicated yourself that you seem to find pleasure in the same sex. What gives?
Imam: Women are for making babies, and boys are for making love. But we are not sodomites. Sodomy is a curse of the Jew’s making. Ours is a different culture, one inspired by the one true god and his prophet Mohamed.
Spicy Feldman: I’m not sure that’s not a distinction without a difference, but your culture truly is wonderful and admirable. What do you think about the present efforts of Hamas towards pushing all of the Israelis into the sea?
Imam: You dumb Jews always take us so literally. We don’t want to put the nasty Jews in the ocean and let their stinking flesh ruin and destroy our lovely sea. We want to kill them where they stand. We want to burn them to dust, vacuum it up and dump it all over Jew York City. We don’t want to pollute our sea with the rotting flesh of white devils.
Spicy Feldman: A great culture, AND you’re environmentally conscious too. You guys are amazing. It was a pleasure meeting you. When I get back from the break, I will speak with the rabbi of the temple across the street.
Spicy Feldman: This is Spicy Feldman of Neo-Pinko Radio, your government-funded radio for those who believe that peace is achievable through humbly accepting our proper places in society. I’m here with Rabbi Goldfarb of Temple Submission in Utopia, NY. Rabbi, I’ll ask you the same question as I asked the Imam. Is this political activity a violation of separation of church and state?
Rabbi: No Spicy. This is not a church. This is a temple. The church is down the street, right there.
Spicy Feldman: There’s nothing going on there. Why is that?
Rabbi: The Muslims chased the Christians out and took over their church. That church is now a madrassa used to raise children in Islam.
Spicy Feldman: Why haven’t you left?
Rabbi: This is our land. Besides, we don’t need to. We just pay the Muslims a jizya every week in order to stay here. They take the $1,000 a week and leave us alone. If we fail to pay though, like the Christians did, they begin to burn down our houses. So we pay. Small price to live in Utopia.
Spicy Feldman: Why are you supporting Mohamed al Epstein, especially when a member of your own temple is running against him?
Rabbi: Because Mohamed’s the only one that has a chance. Little Jacob Horowitz is a wonderful young man, but if he wins, he will be found dead. His own mother begged us to talk him out of running and is leading the effort to get Mohamed elected. She does not want her son to be killed for this.
Spicy Feldman: Why isn’t there a sign on your Temple Submission that indicates that this is a synagogue?
Rabbi: The Star of David is offensive to Muslims. So we keep all of that stuff inside the temple.
Spicy Feldman: What about what’s going on in Israel? Your thoughts.
Rabbi: We pray for our brothers and sisters in Israel. Luckily, they are armed and protected with the arms that America had once given them. I pray that America will again decide to give them more arms and that that begins before the Israelis are all dead, but I’m glad they are armed.
Spicy Feldman: This is America you know. You can be armed too.
Rabbi: No ma’am. We are Democrats. We believe in gun control and wouldn’t think of being hypocritical.
Spicy Feldman: Wow. You really are forward thinking rabbi. Thank you for your time. I really do appreciate the peace that you’ve built here. By the way, what does Utopia mean?
Rabbi: No place. Utopia means No place.
Spicy Feldman: Brilliant. This is like no place on earth. Peace in the middle east of New York State. Mohamed, one more question before I let you get back to beating the Jew that’s running against you. That you were a product of rape, do you find that you are more pro-life?
Mohamed al Epstein: No. I am pro-choice. Abortion is a great way to rid the world of infidels. Rather than having to kill them while they walk the earth, abortion lets us kill them before they even get a chance to dirty up the earth with their vile and putrid flesh.
Spicy Feldman: That’s a profound description of the sacrament of abortion, and you’re obviously environmentally conscious too. But you could have been aborted. Doesn’t that give you second thoughts?
Mohamed al Epstein: No. I am not an infidel. I was supposed to bless this earth with my presence. It’s Allah’s will to power.
Spicy Feldman: Wow. Brilliant and insightful. Thank you for your time. Good luck in the primary.
Mohamed al Epstein: I don’t need luck to beat a Jew. It’s Allah’s will.
Spicy Feldman: And there you have it listeners. Peace between the Muslims and the Jews is indeed possible. Right here in Utopia, NY, a place like no other place on earth, the Muslims and the Jews have found a loving way to live in peace, while the Christians have fled like cowards. Let’s hope the Israeli Jews can learn a lesson from the Utopian Jews. I lost my producer a while ago. I think he’s hiding in the van. So I’ll sign off alone. This is Spicy Feldman of Neo-Pinko Radio, your government funded radio for mothers who oppose both rape and women being allowed to carry guns.
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